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This program is designed for parents to view with their children aged 7 - 14.
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A Letter to parents from Donald gordon, ph.d.
We believe strong families with happy, confident kids are our best hope for a better world. 

In Children Between for Kids, our goal is to help children and teenagers manage the many emotions surrounding their family's break up with increasing confidence. We see it as a family project. Watching with you, your children will learn proven tools and skills to reduce everyday worries and enhance good feelings in the home, and have more success in school. 

Along the way, we will supply viewing tips to make practicing the video lessons real learning opportunities for your family.

When you see what your children are learning, you will have good conversations with them. Because your children imitate you, they will understand more watching you apply the skills in daily life. Like a coach, you can remind them to use specific skills in different situations. Using these ideas will make their learning occur faster and stay with them longer. 

In a survey of 100 parents, 86% of parents reported using our breathing techniques with their children. Many noticed improved cooperation and less tension in the family as a result. 

​Best Wishes,
Donald Gordon, Ph.D.

CHAPTER 1: Introduction

Orby is introduced as an imaginary wise alien who came from another galaxy to help children. He plays the role of a good friend, a helpful teacher, a caring parent, and a great coach or mentor. Orby is someone kids can trust. Jett, the child host for this chapter, talks about the complex emotions of his parents' divorce/separation. He asks Orby why divorces happen. Orby gives some reasons and says that breakups are widespread but not easy on kids.
Chapter Viewing tips
1. Share with your children what interested you first about the chapter and why it was interesting to you. This sets the stage for a great conversation. 

2. Then ask your child what interested them about the chapter? And then add, "Can you say a little more about that?" This helps children who usually have many inner thoughts bring them into open sharing, which is very positive, even if the feelings are difficult or unhappy. 
​
CHAPTER GLOSSARY
​Divorce
the action of legally dissolving a marriage

Separation
the ending of a relationship between a couple by mutual agreement or judicial decree

Trust
​reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
Did You Know?
Did you know more than 20% of 11-year-olds have diagnosable mental disorders—chiefly anxiety disorders? Divorce and separation can, unfortunately, be one more source of stress and worry for our kids. As you will learn in chapter three, stress and worry make focusing and remembering harder, impacting school performance. Stress leads to depression, and stressed, depressed kids, can be extra cranky, irritable, and moody. If this happens, you can reverse these trends by applying some emotional first aid: Nothing feels better than being understood. Viewing these videos as a family and being a good listener helps bring feelings to the surface. Speaking honest thoughts without blame or criticism counteracts anxiety and depression and supports a working family toward common goals. 
An Interview With Jett

CHAPTER 2: Myths and Truths

This important chapter describes four common myths about divorce that children believe but are just not true. First, Orby begins by reassuring the child host, Arata she was not the cause of her parents' breakup. Then Orby addresses the myth children can get their parents back together if they just try hard enough. Then together, they discuss a hurtful myth that the child is not part of a family anymore. Finally, the myth is that children should take care of their stressed parents. Orby tells the viewer this is not a child's job. 
chapter Viewing Tips
This chapter is an excellent place to check out which myths your children may believe and reassure them. Please pay close attention to feelings they express and reflect on what you are hearing. And be prepared to hear strong opinions with acceptance. "So you feel the same way as Arata. I'm so glad you told me!" Be sure to share what interested you and why. A good discussion makes these lessons a family project that creates a team spirit.
CHAPTER GLOSSARY
Myth
a popular belief or tradition

Truth
a judgment or idea that is true

Kid’s Job
​to do their homework, help with housework, play, and have fun
Did You Know?
There are many reasons why people end their relationships. Parents often don't tell the story of the divorce children have seen and heard with their own eyes and ears to spare kids' feelings. Children don't really get what the abstract idea means when parents say, "Your dad and I just wanted different things," or "We just drifted apart." And, despite the possible conflict in the home, kids will often cling to a secret wish their parents will re-unite for years and feel the sadness of this wish not coming true. You can help reduce the myths kids harbor by explaining one of the main reasons behind most breakups and friendships too:
 
Research shows people divorce when they stop listening kindly to each other. Not feeling heard can cause the other person to pull away until both people don't care enough to solve the natural problems in life and relationships. If this was true for you, explaining how this may have happened and why could set the stage for more heartfelt listening in the home. And maybe improve the communication with the ex-spouse to build a polite relationship for the benefit of all. 
An Interview With Arata

Chapter 3: The Brain

Cassidy is studying for a geology test, and her stress is getting in the way of doing well. To help her understand why she is getting stressed, Orby explains how the brain works. He teaches her how the "fight or flight" response makes it hard for her wise brain to help her remember information for the test. Cassidy then learns about her emotional and wise brain and what she can do to bring out her wise brain. Orby goes over the "good memory" technique, which calms Cassidy.
chapter Viewing Tips
Remember to share first what interested you and why. Then, what interested the children. You can check with your child to see how much they understand. Children can learn these brain terms and understand how the brain works. So having a conversation about this will help their learning. You might ask them to find a good memory of themselves when they felt happy and confident they can later use when they begin to worry.
CHAPTER GLOSSARY
Neuroscience
The study of the anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, or molecular biology of nerves and nervous tissue and especially with their relation to behavior and learning

Emotional Brain
The lower part of the brain that controls how we react to strong feelings and tense situations. The Amygdala is located in this part of the brain.

Neocortex/ Wise Brain
The part of the brain involved in higher-order brain functions such as sensory perception, cognition, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning and language.

Amygdala
The part of the brain that controls our “Fight or Flight” response

Hijack
To take over control of something

Nervous System
The bodily system that is made up of the brain, spinal cord, and nerves.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze
​The body’s natural response to danger, controlled by the Amygdala
Did You Know?
A little stress can help focus on what's important. A calm brain makes happy families! But on a zero to ten stress scale, any stress above a three and the brain tries to keep us safe by gradually putting "blinders" on us. Increasing pressure stops us from taking in enough information to make good wise-brain decisions. And eventually, stress turns into worry. You can teach your kids to measure their stress and worry by using the following scale:
​
  • Zero is just like coasting on your bike and having no worries. 
  • 5 is worried you might be late for school, so you pedal faster.
  • 7 is worried about being ten minutes late for a test, like Cassidy.
  • 10 is pedaling against a mighty wind as hard as you can, and all you can think of is getting home where you are safe. 

Stress is usually felt in the neck and shoulders, with worry in the stomach. Ask your children to guess what they think their number is right now? Now tell them one of the fastest ways to lower their stress and worry is by slowing down their breathing. After your child guesses their stress number, ask them to breathe slowly out through their lips. The breathing in will take care of itself. Slow breathing out turns on the wise brain for good problem-solving. Did you feel better afterward?
An Interview With Elsa ("Cassidy")

Chapter 4: name AND TAME FEELINGS

Orby teaches Alexa how to calm unhappy feelings using the "Name and Tame" technique. Alexa names her inner feelings about the family breakup and begins to feel better! Orby explains how the naming process works and suggests Alexa teach it to a friend. Alexa guides her friend Randall through the steps with good results.
chapter Viewing Tips
This is an excellent time to check in with everyone. How are the kids responding to the videos so far? Are you listening to each other and sharing what you think and feel?  

After viewing this chapter as a family, you might ask your kids to share what they think about the breakup. You might coach them along a little by asking, "Do you have other thoughts and feelings too?" Use this moment to create a safe space to speak from the heart. Sharing pulls a family together into greater closeness and motivates a family to create happy occasions together.

As a parent, you can help your child develop more emotional intelligence by encouraging them to recognize the feelings of other family members. "What do you think your sister or brother was feeling just then?" Or making a guessing game of the emotions and motivations of actors in entertainment can build an understanding of how people work.
CHAPTER GLOSSARY
​Sensory Input
Stimuli that is perceived by our senses like smell, sight, touch, taste, and hearing.

Primary Feelings
Anger, Disgust, Sadness, Happiness, Surprise, Bad, Fear

Context
The circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed.

Run Through
​Go over something quickly as a reminder or rehearsal
Feeling Wheel
Did You Know?
When we give feelings a name, the wise brain is activated, and we can see how emotions are layered. Suppose we notice angry feelings, for example. In that case, we may discover, hidden underneath, feelings of sadness from a wish or desire that didn't come true. One answer to sorrow is to grow a bigger heart through the practice of gratitude. You'll learn about the three areas of Gratitude in Chapter 5. Uncovering and sharing these deeper feelings can lead to specific plans to make things better. And the possibility of creating adventures to build more positive memories. 
An Interview With Alexa

Chapter 5: CHANGE YOUR THINKING

What we think affects how we feel. To soften the negative feelings of these thoughts, Orby presents ways to help kids and parents calm their way through tough times. For example, we can remember something happy to help melt away a painful feeling. And how to get some emotional comfort by taking a few moments to watch our thoughts come and go like passing clouds in the sky. Like watching a movie instead of being in the film! Other techniques include writing our worries down, which the wise-brain can use to get distance from the strong pull of negative feelings. Finally, Orby and Jayden show how being grateful can make us feel more relaxed and ready to go out into the world with a positive mindset.
chapter Viewing Tips
Remember to share first what interested you and why. Then, what interested the children. You can check with your child to see how much they understand. Children can learn these brain terms and understand how the brain works. So having a conversation about this will help their learning. You might ask them to find a good memory of themselves when they felt happy and confident they can later use when they begin to worry.
CHAPTER GLOSSARY
Anxiety Spiral
An anxiety spiral begins with stressful life events, long-term worries or even unpleasant physical situations or illness. The anxiety-prone mind may disproportionately focus on these thoughts, misinterpreting them as real danger rather than what they are – mere thoughts.

Negative Thought
Negative thoughts are thoughts that cause us to slip, lose hope or that stand in the way of improving your health. A negative thought is usually a criticism of oneself.

Distraction
a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else

Attitude of Gratitude
​Making it a habit to express thankfulness and appreciation in all parts of your life, on a regular basis, for both the big and small things alike.
Did You Know?
When you remember a happy time, your brain turns on the same neurons that made the happy thought or memory in the first place. And focusing on happy memories combined with feelings of gratitude can help make hurts wash away. Science has shown the practice of gratitude, focusing on what you have that is good:
 
• Increases generosity and cooperation in the home and community
• Increases motivation while reducing stress and depression
• Increases resiliency: the ability to bounce back from small and large stressors
• Builds empathy and compassion for others, increasing kindness in the family
• Increases social intelligence, "the ability to understand people and act politely"
• Increases physical well-being, better sleep, and healthier eating
• Refreshes friendships to keep relationships happy and flourishing
• Promotes life satisfaction

Build an "emotional bank account" of good feelings by creating new fun memories together. Make time for enjoyable activities, such as a picnic or a family bike ride. Doing something active together will help erase any worry your family will be happy again plus makes new memories to use in the future. You also give your children more ammo to use when practicing the "good memory technique" introduced in Chapter 3. 
An Interview With Jayden

Chapter 6: CAUGHT IN A BIND

If you please one parent you may displease the other. Orby tells us this is called a "loyalty bind." Chapter Six, starring Brianni, begins with a role play about an often complicated topic in a divorced house---money and who pays for the extras. Brianni needs to attend a school function. Without ten dollars, she won't be able to go. She role-plays being told NO! by two angry parents. Orby helps Brianni identify her feelings and tells her a loyalty bind has a standard solution: Design an "I" message. Orby teaches us that an "I" message is a way to share your thoughts and feelings with the people you love and make a loving request for them to do something that fixes the situation. Orby teaches the steps to create an "I" message to deal with the binds of being quizzed, carrying messages, or listening to parents complain or criticize the other parent's actions.
chapter Viewing Tips
Orby reminds us that stressed-out parents can have their wise brains hijacked too. Some of the video examples in Chapter 6 show intense feelings of parents in angry amygdala hijack. So, it would be good to mention to the children that they will see moments of anger. Together, you can observe how anger drives people apart instead of working together. 

Sharing your thoughts and feelings first makes it safer for children to speak about the binds they may feel. Even if you think differently about the facts, being a respectful listener allows kids to share and deepen their reactions. Speaking calmly about one's feelings can help turn hot emotions into caring support. 
CHAPTER GLOSSARY
Loyalty Bind
A loyalty bind is a perceived tension of the child's loyalty between their parents. Kids that struggle with a loyalty bind feel that when they're having fun or even feeling love for one parent, they are somehow betraying the other parent.

“I” Message
A way to politely ask someone to change their behavior by expressing your feelings and not placing blame

Privacy
Privacy is the ability of an individual to seclude themselves or information about themselves, and thereby express themselves selectively. When something is private to a person, it usually means that something is inherently special or sensitive to them. The right not to be subjected to unsanctioned invasions of privacy by the government, corporations, or individuals is part of many countries' privacy laws, and in some cases, constitutions.
Did You Know?
Experts watching a couple interact can predict when they will break up by counting their disrespectful "You" messages: "The problem with this relationship is you." "You never" or "you always." Not listening or "whataboutisms" create hurt feelings and resentment with parents and kids. People who don't feel cared about stop caring too. "I" messages can help reopen relationships and increase cooperation in the family. 
An Interview With Brianni

Chapter 7: ASK FOR HELP

This chapter discusses identifying people children can trust to talk to about their feelings besides mom and dad. The chapter gives examples of a best friend, and school counselor demonstrating the benefits of reflective listening and offering friendly advice. Orby suggests seeking out someone you can trust and who has integrity or stands up for their beliefs. Orby says talking to other kids who have experienced separation/divorce can also be helpful and reassuring. Orby tells viewers to be direct. Tell the person calmly what you need to talk about and then what you're feeling.
chapter Viewing Tips
Encouraging children to practice what they want to say to others teaches children to be assertive in a good way. Again, nothing feels better than being understood. A good family rule is: "You have a right to a say, even though you may not get your way." Wise parents use reflective listening to set limits. One classic example: "But I want Fruit Loops for breakfast!" The wise-brain parent says, "I hear you really want fruit loops. I would love to turn these Cheerios into Fruit Loops for you, but Cheerios is what we have today…."
CHAPTER GLOSSARY
Integrity
The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
Did You Know?
​Families who have regular family meetings to discuss problems build team spirit. This makes divorced and separated families better able to "bounce back" when there are everyday problems. Even the youngest member can bring issues to the table. Learning to listen brings out the best in family members. 
An Interview With Kayley

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